The Reference Library - February 2024

I wanted to continue with the theme of understanding ourselves and how to find healthy love in our lives. I cannot overstate how much I dislike Valentine's day and all the associated marketing - so this is part of my effort at counter-programming all that nonsense. Relationships can bring us such joy and they can also cause us tremendous agony. Many people end up in therapists' offices because of dysfunctional patterns of relating and it's important we start questioning some of what the popular culture is telling us and turn instead to reliable sources of information. And in that spirit, I would like to introduce you to Dr. Stanley Tatkin. There are others I might have pointed to, but I think that his books are incredibly helpful for those who want to be in healthy romantic relationships. And, in this edition of The Reference Library, I'm going to recommend not one, but two books!

The first is his book is, Wired for Dating: How understanding neurobiology and attachment style can help you find your ideal mate. 

I recommend this book for anyone who has not yet made a commitment and especially for those who are (or are thinking about) actively dating. It will help you to understand and articulate your relationship needs, how to apply that self-knowledge to narrow down your dating pool to the choices who might actually be a fit for you, and then how to take those first steps in getting to know someone - while watching out for the pitfalls of your own emotional baggage. That's a lot of value to get out of a book that is actually a pretty short read.

The second book is Wired for Love: How understanding your partner's brain and attachment style can help you defuse conflict and build a secure relationship.

I recommend this book for anyone who is already in a committed relationship. It helps you better understand your relationship and how to establish or rehabilitate the attachment patterns you are engaging through. In reading this book, I really started to appreciate just how healing it can be to engage with a committed partner who is also willing to see relationship challenges as opportunities to work through our baggage and heal our dysfunctional patterns.

While I read the print copy of Wired for Dating, I did the audiobook version of Wired for Love and it was read by the author; I enjoyed both, but it was great to hear Dr. Tatkin read the book. He has a good voice for audiobooks.

I hope that you enjoy these books and that they help you understand yourself, and your partnerships, a little better. If you need some support for doing the work of changing your own patterns, don't hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. That's what we're here for! Look for someone who is licensed in your area. If you're interested in working with me, I offer in-person services in Edmonton, Alberta. I also offer virtual services by secure online video to people living in Alberta, Manitoba, Ontario, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland & Labrador, and the Territories, Canada. You can book a free consultation appointment through my website, Calder Mental Health Services, to discuss whether I'm the right person for your needs.

One brief final note for this post:

Don't forget that love comes in many forms - not only as romantic love. This month, find opportunities to cultivate and express love in your life in ALL its forms. ❤️

Wishing you love in abundance,

Petrina