The (self-) Maintenance Team - February 2024

For The (self-) Maintenance Team this month I wanted to talk about one of the practices that can help a person to maintain a healthy sense of self-love. This practice targets self-worth, and is especially important for those who are dating and looking for a loving romantic partnership. 

The dating game is rough these days! The apps, while convenient, tend to foster in service users an attitude of depersonalization - where other humans are seen as objects or obstacles, rather than the complex relational beings that we are. They also place a disproportionate emphasis on appearance; it's not that appearance and physical attraction aren't important, but appearance is a problematic proxy for attraction. Appearance can be manipulated (what you see is not always what you get on the apps) and attraction is a multi-sensory experience, not just a visual one. But app users are socialized to base a lot of their decision-making only on the appearance, discounting things related to attraction like how we feel in a person's presence, their voice, the way they smell, their ability to make us laugh or to mentally stimulate us. It's a common occurrence to be initially attracted to someone based on appearance, only to be put-off by their behaviours or attitudes. To paraphrase the lyrics to an old song, I've had the realization many times "Oh, they're not pretty, they just look that way." And it sometimes goes the other way too; a person who you might not find especially attractive on initial impression becomes much more appealing after you get to know them or spend some time in their presence. All of that is to say that we've wound up in this place where we see our dating prospects as objects and WE in turn are also treated as an object. It can do a real number on your head! All of the things that make up who you are, your strengths, your aspirations, your potentials, the way you treat others, are all discounted in favor of the exterior package. But the package will tell you nothing - absolutely nothing - about your actual compatibility with a potential partner. It leaves us with two dilemmas. First, our sense of self-worth takes a hit because the system places more emphasis on appearance than on the rest of our selves and we start to internalize that value system in how we perceive our own value and worth as a person. Second, in placing our focus on our/their looks we neglect to do the hard thinking about what we do have to offer, what we want in a partner, and what characteristics will/won't be compatible in a relationship. So, we have a hard time selecting appropriate dating candidates! We discount our own worth, settle for the lowered bar of what we think is reasonable to expect from a partner, and end up in dating relationships that are unhappy or filled with strife and mistakenly think that there's something wrong with us or that there are no good people out there any more.

It's not true! There are good people out there. There are good people who are a good match for you too. But more people need to see the apps for what they are and to actively do the work to counteract the bias the algorithms are artificially creating. You can start by being the change you wish to see in the world and it begins with a more fulsome self-appraisal, so that you can start to pick more appropriate dating candidates.

So, what is this exercise? There are two parts. 

Part One - I want you to create a document or get a piece of paper where you're going to make a list. You'll add to it over time, so wherever this list is, make it convenient. Over the next month, you're going to list every little thing you can think of that you like about yourself, that friends/family like about you, that others have told you is a good quality, talent, or strength that you have - anything at all as long as it's something that is a characteristic about yourself that is positive. Phrase these as things you do or are, rather than as things you don't do or are not (i.e. I don't steal candy from children and I'm not a bully are a bar set too low). Over the month, I want you to list as many as you can; your goal is at least 100 things.

At first it seems simple, and it is. Then it gets hard; you'll run out of things to list and struggle to find more characteristics to add. It may even shake the foundations of what you base your confidence on; but this isn't an exercise about self-confidence. It's about self-worth. Stick with it. 

It's okay for your list to include physical appearance related items! Mine started off with the fact that I like my eye colour and my hair. But you'll also include other types of things like:

• Mental characteristics - ie. I have a curious mind, I'm a quick learner, I'm really decisive...
• Values-based behaviours - ie. I'm dependable, I'm a hard worker, I'm close with my family
• Physical characteristics that are not related to appearance/attractiveness - ie. I have my mom's nose, I can deadlift twice my body weight, I'm told I have a soothing voice
• Social traits - ie. I'm a confident public speaker, I am extra-kind to people in customer service roles, I'm the person who other people trust with their insecurities
• Perceptions of others - ie. my old boss said I was the best employee he ever had, I am my niece's favourite aunt, my friends tell other people I'm the smart-one
• Spiritual/Existential traits - ie. I feel connected to the universe and all this earth's creatures, I am making my grandmothers and grandfathers proud, I channel God's love through me by doing good in this world

At the end of the month, I want you to take stock of the list. You're not perfect (none of us are) and you may have a hard time accepting some of the things you've listed (because you don't embody the characteristic 100% of the time or because it's something that someone else said/believes about you). But the list should also resonate with you as being a true reflection of your best features. They are the things you like about yourself and that you hope a future partner might also value in you. It reminds you of what you bring to the table when you approach a potential dating partner.

Part Two - after you've completed the list of what you bring to the table (not before) I want you to make a list of all the characteristics that would make a partner compatible for you. You can list as many characteristics as you want, but be forewarned that you'll be narrowing this list down to a top-10 momentarily. Include the same types of things on this list as you did for yourself - physical, mental, social, values, spiritual, and how they make others feel. What human characteristics are you looking for? The interesting part about this exercise is that even the most superficial of daters make it past appearance when they take the time to think about what is actually appealing in another person. After all, no one feels good about being with someone who is attractive on the outside but ugly on the inside. But I digress. 

Once you've got the full list, I want you to narrow it down to two top-ten lists. First, the top 10 traits that would make someone a good match for you. Second, I want you to create a list of the top 10 characteristics that would be deal-breakers in terms of their compatibility with you. This second top 10 list is really important; it helps you to weed out the people who "seem good on paper" but there's something that just feels a bit off about them. Usually it's because, despite all their positive qualities, they also have some characteristics (or even just one) that is on the dealbreaker list. Do not talk yourself into overlooking someone's deal-breaker characteristic, no matter how wonderful they are otherwise! They may be a wonderful human, but they are not the human for you.

Going through this two part exercise does a few things for you. First, it helps repair some of the self-worth damage that can occur when you engage with dating apps regularly. It reminds you that, when it comes to relationships, appearances only matter for first impressions and the substance of a human is far more important beyond that first moment. Next, revisiting your notes from this activity can be protective as you continue your dating journey. It can help you more clearly articulate to prospective partners what you have to offer and what you're looking for (and clarity on your dating profile can help with pre-screening). Finally, as you start the process of getting to know someone by dating them, it helps to give you clarity about what you're looking for, what you want to be valued for, and what you need to avoid. 

By doing this, dating becomes about exercising your judgement, not about acceptance or rejection of a human. A person is not good or bad, worthy or not worthy; people are simply a compatible fit or not. This improves your ability to pick good candidates and it makes the bitter pill of a rejection a lot easier to swallow. It can also be super helpful for maintaining your standards and to not let eroded self-worth or loneliness cause you to compromise your actual value. 

If you struggle to complete this exercise on your own, get your friends who love you to help you with it. If it brings up some really tough emotions, you may also benefit from getting the support of a mental health professional to help you process the feelings and heal the underlying cause. If you go that route, look for someone who is licensed in your area. If you're interested in working with me, I offer in-person services in Edmonton, Alberta. I also offer virtual services by secure online video to people living in Alberta, Manitoba, Ontario, New Brunswick, Nova Scotia, Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland & Labrador, and the Territories, Canada. You can book a free consultation appointment through my website, Calder Mental Health Services, to discuss whether I'm the right person for your needs.

More than anything, I hope that doing this exercise helps you to remember (or connect with) all the things that make you a wonderful human being, worthy of giving and receiving love in abundance.

Wishing you love in all its forms,

Petrina