The Reference Library - December 2023

This month in The Reference Library, I'm going to recommend a book by a woman whose approach to personal money management saved my mental health and got my relationship with money onto a healthy footing. I gladly present to you Gail Vaz-Oxlade and her book Debt Free Forever.

Debt Free Forever, by Gail Vaz-Oxlade

Gail has a number of books that may appeal to people at different stages of life, such as managing money as a single-person after divorce, preparing for retirement, and how to teach your kids about money, but this is by far my favourite. Even if you're not in debt, this book lays out the practical and flexible approach to money management that Gail would use to help families dig themselves out of financial messes on the old TV Show Till Debt Do Us Part (you can watch full episodes for free on YouTube and it's worth it for the inspo, even if they are quite dated at this point).

Gail's approach is very dispassionate and helped me to disentangle some of my own emotions, which had gotten caught up in the bad spending habits of my youth. By helping me to see my money more objectively, it gave me a way of seeing my money as a separate issue from the complicated feelings and life stress I was dealing with. This helped me to get on financially healthier footing (decreasing my stress substantially) and was an important step in helping me actually look at my psychological and emotional baggage, which had been hiding underneath those spending habits or metaphorically screaming "don't look at me, look at that money mess over there!"

You see, doing emotional work is really hard and the issues will seek every opportunity to hide behind something else. Our baggage is the king of avoidance tactics, one of which is to set a fire somewhere else, as a diversion for what's actually going on. If you suspect that is what is going on for you, then you might need a two pronged approach - one to put out the fire (such as Gail's approach to tackling your debt) and then one to gently uncover the baggage that's been trying to hide. I say gently, because the baggage is probably also carrying some feelings of shame and shame is a great motivator pushing us to continue hiding. So, be nice to your baggage; it was the survival tactic that got you this far. But when you know it's time to unpack it all, then get some support and set aside your judgement as you approach that task.

Thanks to this two-pronged approach, I now feel empowered about my money. I know that I'm making intentional, goal-based, decisions about my finances rather than feeling out of control and chaotic about it. It's done wonders for my stress levels. If that's a state of ease with money that you'd like to enjoy, then I encourage you to check out all of Gail's books and those old TV shows too.

As for the baggage, there are good books and self-help guides out there if you search online. But sometimes you need support - I know I did! That's what a mental health therapist can help you with. Find someone who is licensed in your area, who you like, and who you can afford or whose services are covered by your health benefits plan. If you live in Alberta, Canada and you think you'd like to work with me, you can contact me through my website, Calder Mental Health Services. I offer free 15-minute new client consultations, by phone or video, so that we can determine if I'm the best fit for your needs.

I hope that you're continuing to enjoy the best of the season, while spending less money!

Petrina